It's never easy to face your demons, especially if they live with you. I sleep alone every night, wishing for a better tomorrow. I have a man that loves me deeply, we should have been together for the past NINE years, but because I have compassion & would have immense guilt if I left a dying man in his worst of times. That is what alcoholics do, they manipulate you. They use anger, degradation, & harsh words.  They don't speak to you, every thing that goes wrong is your fault. They take NO blame. I have my divorce papers ready to be filed...what is stopping me? That last BIG fight,,you know the one..but I am gathering energy, enough to stand up for myself. The knife drawer has not been kind as of late. I am on my way out....

I have to wonder how I ended up where I am. I am not a stupid woman. I have creative talents, a large loving family of my kids & their off spring...so HOW did I end up here? I am fairly sure I know deep down inside. I always put others feelings in front of my own. That's about to change. I have said those words so many times my kids don't believe them any more & that is why I have to follow thru this time. I can't stand to see my kids hurt because they know I am hurt. This isn't my first walk around this block either. I have made the same mistakes 3 (THREE) times. I first married at age 15. I was a freshman in High School. The odds were against me from jump street. He was 18 ,me 15 hardly ready to take on the world. Even tho that marriage failed miserably the 4 kids that came from it are my world..as is my 5th child, my summer of 81 'love' child.

Why do I feel it's time to put my life under a bright light? I will tell you. There are a lot of women living in abusive situations. I am one of them. My current abuser does not hit me, he is what they call a functioning alcoholic. He works (most of the time) he is wonderful to my kids & loves them dearly. My abuse comes in the form of manipulation. He knows I don't like confrontation. I have had to much of it in my life. I won't fight with him, instead I either leave the house or go upstairs to my craft room & lock him out. His temper is nasty, his outlook grim. His negativity is over whelming. I am an Empath..I soak up everyone's feelings that are around me..his negative is slowly killing my spirit & I can't allow that to continue.He is emotionally bankrupt & an emotional vampire...sucking the joy out of me.

These are the beginning days of the end of his days..with me. The part I find mind boggling is that he knows full well that I am not happy, he even told me he can see it in my eyes. WHY would he stay? Why would he not set me free if he knows the truth? I am his enabler ( I looked up the meaning of that & I do not fit that description at all) Bottom line is I don't want to hurt him, me being the sacrificial lamb to his addictions & alcoholism. This behavior, again ..has to stop. I have to survive for my kids.The story is long ,twisted & bizarre..more to come...

Playing blind folded in the knife drawer. What my life has been like for the past 17 years. Every day you stick your hand in that drawer ..some days you hit a Butter knife & things are tolerable. Other days, you hit that BIG serrated knife & little pieces of you are gouged out.. Then, some days you grab that SHARP one. Once you grab that one a few times you know what you have to do..THAT is the one that severs ties, kills love & cuts self esteem to shreds. Welcome to my knife drawer.

Here we go..I am taking this public in hopes it will help others to break free from abusive relationships

Its been so long since I have entered anything on my Blog. I went to look for my old Blog & I can no longer access it..grrr... I will keep trying. Until I do, here is this one.